Abuse

According to Wikipedia, abuse is the improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can occur in many forms. What most people think of when they think of abuse is the physical aspect of it. Think of bullying at school, you usually think of bullies beating up the poor victim at school leaving brusies and black eyes. However, some of the worst and severe forms of abuse don’t leave any phsyical marks or scars. Emotional and psychologial abuse is far worse.

I endured emotional and psychological abuse for years. Looking back on it now, it started even before we left Sacramento. Your dad was/is great at making you feel like the best person in the world. When that happens you reciprocate with undying love and affection that is when the abuse starts. Once he knows he has control over you, then the abuse starts. It began with very small things. Your dad would mention ex-girlfriends and what they did or did not do and what he expected from a girlfriend. He will even tell you the story of when we were working together and had lunch one time. Your dad explained what he looked for in a girl. He wanted “a hot, fit girl who would do whatever I say, cook, clean, work, and be subserviant to me. Oh and do it all with a smile.” To which I replied, “Good luck, that girl doesn’t exist.” But like I said, he’s good at drawing you in and feeling like he is a nice guy ….. but then the true colors come out.

I digress … let’s get back to abuse. I divorced your dad not because of all the physical abuse. While there was definite physical abuse that you guys never saw, I have the hospital records to prove it no matter how much your dad says it’s my own fault and i deserved it and how as trying to “Ssve me”, again I digress …. I divorced your dad to get out of the cycle of love, hate, love, hate where I felt the need to please him in order for him not to cheat on me …

Abuse is when someone uses their power to cause pain to another person. When you live in fear to make that person mad. I know you know what I felt because your dad would do that to you. Everytime he moved his hand and you would flicnh or when he would say words that hurt you even worse. Your dad was very good at that.

And what he is doing now is the ultimate abuse. Even after divorcing him and leaving him, he is still abusing me. Talking to me then not talking to me. His last email as you can see here, where he states he “heard” I’m talking about him or saying something he doesn’t like so he is cutting me off from you guys. Do you see how he turns it around on me? I am two faced saying that Daddy is keeping you from me, well that is the truth. I dropped you guys off to Daddy for his birthday, a day earlier than his actual arranged time with you per our divorce agreement. He took you guys and wouldn’t give you back or even allow you to speak to me? So he is keeping you from me? But do you see how he tries to turn it around like it’s Mommy’s fault? This was my life the last 17 years. Through all my emails as you can see where I am asking him to talk to you or to arrange a call or to let you know what is happening at school …. he just doesn’t answer.

He is using his “power” to not contact me or cutting off my contact to you to hurt me. What he doesn’t realize is who he is really hurting is you guys.

I wish I could protect you from his abuse, I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could send you messages, I wish you weren’t so scared to write me back, I wish you weren’t so scared to talk to me without upsetting your Dad. I know that feeling, he did that to me for 17 years … and now he’s doing it to you too.