Dear Natalie,
It’s your birthday night baby girl. Remember how we always celebrate your last meal as a whatever age you were that year. It was always something Mommy made for you guys. I wanted you to be so excited about your birthday the next day. All of the little things like the tooth fairy and just believing in the excitement and joy of being a kid.
I found a picture of you tonight on our last night before you turned 5. It’s amazing in all of these photos is always just the 3 of us. Because your Dad was never there. Never. There.
You were so excited that you were going to be one whole hand tomorrow. And now tomorrow you are going to be two whole hands. I wish more than anything I could be there with you. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like I can’t breath or get any oxygen in my lungs. Everyone is running around so scared of this coronavirus and for me it’s nothing. Nothing is worse than not being able to talk to you on your birthday.
All i ever wanted was a daughter. A little mini who was a girl but not a girly girl. Who loved to play sports and be outside and creative but also wanted to braid her hair. Who was smart, independent, strong, loved being love and saw the good in all people. And that is you. You do see all of that and maybe that’s why you can see the good in your Dad and Leah and everything around you.
I just wish you could see the good in me.
I love you Nat Nat. I miss you and falling asleep holding your hand. Feeling you get quiet and stop talking, you would turn your head into you pillow, we would criss cross our fingers and you would hold them so tightly and then they would relax and i could feel your body get heavy and your breath slow into a pattern and then you’d be asleep.
I probably always fell asleep before you though, you were just so comfy, and mommy was so tired. Funny how much mommy used to be able to sleep. I haven’t slept like that since November 6th.
I love you meepy.
Mommy
Letters from Mommy 